Left to Live
by R. M. L. Moore
Summary: Julia Mayfield takes on the character of Mia Hall in this rendition of If I Stay where Julia's experiences while between life and death resemble Mia's but also include conversations with her mom, dad and brother who are also in limbo. When the story begins Julia is waking up in the hospital so we know she stayed, but we stand to find out why and what will become of her new life.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

My mom and dad raised me and my younger brother Shane to be optimists, "things always work out", they'd say, and things almost always did. When I was six and my two front teeth fell out I freaked out and wouldn't go to school for three days. A girl in my class, Laura McReynold's, front two teeth had fallen out and grew back in crooked and I was so sure that was going to happen to me. "Jewels, don't worry, it'll work out. Your mom and I have great teeth and so will you" dad teasingly reassured me. And he was right, just like them I have fantastic teeth. And when I was 14 and Ryan Lee Jamison, the second most popular guy in school, asked me out but then a week later I saw him making out with Missy Schneller at the mall, I had a nervous breakdown and I swear there was an honest moment where I truly believed my life was over. But mom was there for me. She gently cleared my long golden brown hair away from my face, collecting it to one side and draping it over my shoulder. She wiped my tears and smiled at me as if she were happy for me.

"What?" I sniffled, confused by her expression.

"It's your first heart break honey. Mother's dream of the day they get to console their daughter's first broken heart. I just can't believe we're here. You've grown up so beautifully. That Ryan guy doesn't know what he's missing." A twisted way to view the situation, I admit that, but that's my mom, able to find the bright side of anything.

"Don't worry sweetheart, it'll work out, I promise." Her words echoed through my ears, into my head and down to rest on my heart until I believed them. And sure enough, just two weeks later I met Leo Heckley and I was like, "Ryan Lee Jamison who?"

_Beep…beep…beep…beep… _Opening my eyes, the sounds of my hospital room are the first things I sense, followed by the pain. I hadn't felt the pain until now. The pressure behind my eyes is debilitating forcing me to squint and close my eyes frequently. I feel week in my torso and when I try to sit up a little I'm halted by a shriek of pain across my abdomen and on the right side of my rib cage. The rest of the aches all merge into one general pain. I can't tell what hurts, but I'm uncomfortable.

"Jewels, you're awake!"

"Leo?" My unused voice is low and slightly raspy. By the time I finish saying his name he's already gone yelling down the hall for a nurse. I close my eyes again. I'm so happy he's here. I'm so happy I'm here. But my moment of relief and happiness is bluntly stunted when I remember they are gone. My mom, my dad, my little brother Shane; they are all gone. The life I had just days earlier is gone and I can never have it back. Tears flood my eyes and poor over the banks of my eyelids down my temples and into my hair. I haven't the energy or the care to wipe them, so I just let them keep streaming.

Three nurses rush into my room and begin checking on me, making notes on their charts and phoning my doctor. They ask me questions and I answer, but all the while the tears continue to flow. Concerned by my tears the nurse checking my I.V. prescriptions sweetly asks me in a thin Jamaican accent, "Why the tears beautiful. You're gonna be just fine now." I look at her, deep into her eyes, and she looks back at me into my telling eyes. "Of course," she responds humbly. And I know she knows where I've just been and what I've just experienced. I turned my cheek and close my eyes and weep until the nurses are gone, the room is quiet, and I can't cry anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

An unlikely meeting and an unlikely love, my parents met at a Thanksgiving holiday party, November 1988. My mom was this beautiful free spirit with a lust for life and adventure. My dad on the other hand was lost in anger and mom says, "He was going nowhere fast". My dad had grown estranged from his family and was living with his best friend Isaac's family at the time and Isaac happened to be my mom's cousin. Mom says it was love at first sight when they met that thankful day, but dad says he thinks he loved her before he knew her and that he was drawn to her without even knowing it.

They must have done something right for each other because they both inspired each other to attend the Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle, Washington. Mom was a beautiful jazz and contemporary dancer while dad studied writing and so began his obsession with play write. They lived a life full of art walks, shows, writing and reading, dancing and choreographing. To this day, in their bedroom there is a shelf in their closet dedicated solely to photo albums and framed pictures and mementos from those years. When I was younger I would often ask my parents to, "Please, please, please show me your pictures." They would sort of roll their eyes, but both with a grin, and lead me back to their room. We'd sprawl things out all over the bed and I'd interrogate them, completely fascinated with the full life my parents lived before I or Shane were ever born.

"Mama, who's this?"

"That's me sweet heart."

"Wow…." I owed and awed. My mother was stunning in a black and white side shot of her arabesque on point while performing a solo contemporary ballet piece for her senior finale.

"Isn't your mother beautiful? That's why I had to marry her and make babies with her," dad teased as he scooped me into his arms and then scooped mom into his arms so he had us both snuggled and laughing.

"Steve, seriously!" Mom tried to get away, giggling embarrassed.

"Don't fight it Darla." He demanded until she succumbed to his hold. I remember being so happy that my parents loved each other so much.

When I was three Shane was born. I love him to the moon and back now, but when I was three his home coming was the worst news I'd received my whole life up until then. To distract me while mom tended to Shane tirelessly, my dad started taking me to the park down the street with a soccer ball. We'd play on the field for hours, kicking the ball up and down the field, or taking turns seeing how far we could kick the ball with one good shot.

By the time Shane was one and I was four, I had gotten surprisingly good. Every day after school and anytime I could on the weekend's dad would take me to the field to play. And when I wasn't there, I couldn't help myself but to think about kicking that ball, the feeling of speed and control as I travelled down the field with the ball before kicking it into the net and the tired out restful peace I always felt afterward in the car ride home.

Eventually my mom started coming too with Shane. One day when I was six years old, on the car ride home I overheard my parents talking low up front.

"She practiced from noon until dusk today Steve. We've got to get her onto a team, some proper training."

"You know we can't afford that right now."

"I know, but that's our little girl Steve. She's got something. She's got what we had times two. It's only a matter of time before that field and that ball aren't enough."

"I know. Darla, sometimes I wonder if it was her idea or my idea to go to the field that first time we went. I thought it was me, but now, thinking back, I'm not so sure. I've often wondered why that was what we did. I'm not into sports Darla. I'm the least likely man to take his little girl to play soccer, and yet there we were. It was like I just knew that's where she belonged."

I hoped and prayed that someday I would find a way to play soccer, real soccer, without costing my parents money. I hated hearing the distress in their voice and I knew money wasn't something we had a lot of. But two months later on my seventh birthday my mom and dad gave me my first set of soccer gear, complete with cleats, guards, and shorts, and instead of going to the field I was introduced to the Green Lake soccer team and coach Isabella McDonald. I'll never forget that first day of soccer practice in my new gear with my family watching on the side lines as I warmed up and showed off my home grown skills. The shy girl I was at school had found her place on the field with a team and the other little kids flocked to get to know me; so many firsts.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

One day can change everything, which for me, has always been the silver lining in life. But life is full of unexpected turns, twists and curves that we can't always depend on to be good. Like for example, one minute I'm Julia Mayfield, the girl who's really good at soccer and scores the winning goal during the final game of the season, the girl who's anxiously waiting to hear if I got accepted to my top choice college on scholarship playing soccer, the girl who broke up with her first love last summer and checks daily to see if maybe he called to say he misses me, and the girl who's so happy I've made my family proud despite being so different from them. And then, without any warning, the next minute my life is unrecognizable.

- Tuesday Night -

When the ball left the side of my gleet, I knew; I knew I had just made my own history and future. I knew the ball was going to hit the net for the winning score before it even actually happened. Sweaty and reclaiming control of my breath, I paused for a moment watching the ball catapult into the air and the gully take guard. _It's gonna make it, it's gonna make it! _Jumping up and down as high as I can, pulling my knees up towards my chest and fist pumping the air with both hands, I watch as the gully falls to the ground largely missing my shot and allowing the ball to confidently sore into the net, making the winning goal. I turn around just in time to greet my team as they barrel down the field to surround me, lifting me up, shouting and screaming of their own excitement in our team's success. A priceless moment, with all of my school, my family, my friends and even scouts watching.

After leaving the gym room, I find my folks and Shane out in the stadium parking lot near the stadium entrance where my teammates are dispersing into the crowd of lingering game watchers.

"Mom, dad, there's a pizza party at Tribionie's Pizza bar to celebrate. Can we go? Please, please."

"Honey, you know Shane's got school tomorrow." My face squints in response with disappointment.

"Come on Darla, the kid just won the winning point." _Thank you dad!_

And Shane, I can always count on him to want to stay up late. "Yea mom, let's go. I promise I'll wake up in the morning." _Thank you Shane! _

Finally, mom gives the go ahead, "Oh alright, who am I kidding, Julia honey, we wouldn't miss it for the world. We're so proud of you." Dad pulls us all in for a family hug and I'm smiling the biggest smile.

We're almost to the car when I hear a familiar voice call out to get my attention, "Jewels… hey Jewels!" I twirl around and follow the sound with my eyes through the crowd of people that remains. "Jewels!" When I finally find the face with the lips saying my name, I'm dumbstruck, in disbelief, as Leo Heckley jogs over to me! "Leo! What are you doing here?" I'm at a loss for words. _Is he really here? Is he here for me or is he here with someone else? Oh my gosh, what if he's here for another girl? _He gently grabs both my hands, fingers only, "I came to see you play. I knew how important tonight was for you, I couldn't miss it."

"But, but…" I can't manage words apparently.

"I know. I've missed you too, Jewels." He smiles that all too familiar beautiful smile and pulls me in for a hug, swinging me around in a circle. I nearly completely melt.

"Are you going to the pizza bar?"

I swallow hard and find the words to reply. "Um, yea, I'm headed there now. Are you going?"

He laughs and I know it's because of how nervous I'm acting standing here talking to him, like he's a celebrity of some kind. But seriously, it's been months, I haven't seen him since the start of the school year when we broke up and I was completely heart broken. And now he's here, hugging me and twirling me around on only the most exciting night of my life. _This is so much to take in!_

"Yea, I'm going. I'll see you there then?"

"Yea, okay, I'll see you there." I smile my own familiar smile at him, trying my best to take down some of my guards.

He gently kisses the top of my left hand before letting both hands go and slyly turning away to meet up with his friends. I turn on my heel, completely dazed and giddy, and head back to the van where mom, dad and Shane are all three gawking through the windows at me. _Oh great. _

I hop in the car trying to be slick and not talk about it. An awkward minute of silence passes as we navigate out of the parking lot onto the road before mom can't resist any longer.

"So are you going to tell us what that was all about?" And immediately, we all burst into laughter, like I could ever really get away with not spilling the beans.

Shyly I fill them in, "I don't really know. I guess he came to see me play. He said he knew it was important to me and he missed me."

Mom and dad both look at each other grinning before mom responds, "And did you tell him you missed him?" But before I could answer, there's a sudden flash of light, a car headlight. Mom screams and dad tries to reach across for mom, but then there's nothing, just blank silence.

The pavement beneath me is wet and smells of fresh rain. Lying on my stomach with my cheek flush against the cement, I open my eyes. _Where am I? What happened? _Sounds come in and out of focus. "Medic, we've got a pulse on three…". Images come into focus, two ambulances, multiple police cars and a fire truck. It's dark outside and there are street lights above. People are rushing around and talking amongst themselves.

I sit up slowly, growing afraid and alarmed by the moment. The van, it's turned over and smoking, crushed. _An accident, we were in an accident? _

I stumble to me feet as quickly as possible, "Mom! Dad! Shane! Where are you? I'm here!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

_- Friday -_

It's dim in my hospital room with only florescent lighting softly spreading around the room and a crack of morning sunshine peeking through the thick hospital curtains. Leo is slouched over in the chair dozing beside me with a white blanket spread over him.

"Hey." I wake him.

"Hey, you're up. How are you?"

"Eh, I'm okay. This bed is so uncomfortable. My right side is killing me."

"Here, let me get the nurse. They said if…"

"Wait. Uh, can I ask you something? It's just been on my mind."

"Yea, of course Jewels, anything."

He looks so sincere and desperate to comfort me. But I voice my concern anyway. "Did you mean what you said, Leo? When I was sleeping, still in my coma, did you mean what you said?"

"How… I mean, you heard me?"

I can't begin to describe to him how I heard what I heard. I'm still trying to understand everything that happened. So instead, I stare back at him and simply nod my head_. _

"Well, yes. Yes, I meant it. I want to be with you Jewels. I was so stupid before. I was just scared."

"Scared of what?"

"I was scared of losing you, Jewels, scared that we would grow apart with me and my band traveling all the time and you going away to college."

"Well what changed Leo?" I want to believe that he is here to stay, but I know I couldn't bare it if he left me again. And the more he sits here in this hospital room, and the more he helps me through this, the more afraid I am that he'll hurt me when I can't stand to be hurt by anything else.

"I tried living without you Jewels. It was so empty. I missed you every day."

"The other night, you didn't come to the game to see me like you said, did you?"

"Look, okay, it's complicated. But I'm here now Jewels, and I want to be here, I want to be with you."

With a deep breath I force a small half smile towards him.

"Jewels, please, let me go get the nurse. Don't worry. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Bending over me, he softly kisses my forehead and then my cheek before turning to leave the room.

Detective Mike Shawl is a middle aged man, tall, dark skinned and clean shaven. He's requested an interview with me and dreadfully I have to comply. It's just before dinner when he strides in trying to be polite and empathetic, but nevertheless intimidating and unwelcome. His presence makes me feel the most lost I've felt since I woke up yesterday. I need my parents. I can't do this by myself.

"Miss. Mayfield, I just need to ask you a few questions. I'll be as quick as possible."

I turn my head to look out the window. It's sunny out, _a ray of hope? _I turn back to face him.

"What do you want to know? I'm not sure I can be of much help. I don't really remember much about the accident."

"Miss. Mayfield, did you notice anything odd before you and your family left the stadium Tuesday evening?"

His question catches me off guard. I was expecting him to ask about whose fault the accident was for insurance reasons. "What do you mean?" I respond.

"Were any of your teammates upset with you, or possibly any of the other team's members acting strange?"

"What's that have to do with anything? We won the game, everyone was really happy." I intend to go on but I feel myself getting worked up and instead decide to take a deep breath, close my eyes for a moment and then start again. Narrowing my eyes in on detective Shawl's dark brown eyes for the first time, "My family was hit by a car detective. I remember seeing a flash of hunter green beneath the headlight as it came close to us, but that's it. I think they swerved into our lane. What does the game have to do with that?"

"Miss. Mayfield, it isn't to worry you, but we have reason to believe you were intentionally targeted, fueled by retaliation or jealousy."

I can barely comprehend the words as I hear them. "Why… why would you think that?" I stutter, sobered by the shocking proposition that someone may have intentionally done this to me and my family.

"I can't say too much right now Miss. Mayfield, but we have a number of sources that have come forward with incriminating information that has lead us to believe the accident you and your family were involved in was intentional."

"Where's the driver of the other car?" By this point I'm noticeably shaken.

"The driver of the other car fled before first responders were on the scene. Witnesses reported seeing a dark older model jeep do a U-turn and take off west down Alton Avenue."

My mind is foggy and racing. I try to recall my surroundings as I woke up on the pavement, but I'm interrupted, "Miss. Mayfield, here's my card. Please contact me directly if you remember anything about that night or the accident, or if you have any new information that you think may be helpful in closing the case."

"Okay," I answer wearily, taking his card.

"For now, officer Dan Stuggles will be on post outside of your room for your security." And with that, detective Shawl gives me an almost apologetic nod while still maintaining his stiff demeanor, and leaves my room. Officer Dan quickly nods in my direction as we catch eye contact before the door closes back shut.

_What the hell was that? Did that really just happen? Could someone have really been trying to harm us? Who would do that? _My thoughts are becoming increasingly anxious, but then I'm quickly distracted by the growing amount of paint on my right side again. I tap the button on my pain medication dispenser and try to find some comfort. _Maybe detective Shawl is wrong, maybe the reports he got were all misinformed or speculations. It's possible. _

I turn my gaze to the window. The sun is still shining, but clouds have rolled in slightly dimming its glow. Dinner should be soon. Perhaps I can get a nap in.

Its forty five minutes later when I'm awakened by a nurse coming in to bring me my dinner, yuk, bland soup water stuff and Jell-O. Leo is back sitting in the chair beside me. I can see he's brought me things from home in a bag that is sitting on the table between him and my bed. The thought of my own personal items from my life that's been shattered is comforting; small pieces of what's left.

Leo stands to help the nurse set up my tray table and situate my mattress and IV drips. It's only then that I see the gash, about four inches long, along the back of Leo's forearm. I hadn't seen it before. It looks fresh and swollen still.

"Leo, what happened to your arm?" He seems startled by my inquiry and quickly pulls his sleeve down over the cut.

"It's nothing. I just got a cut." I flash him a look of concern, but decide to let it go as the nurse presses on with her instructions and questions that don't seem to have an end. But then I notice small cuts on his hands and a nick in his eyebrow. Guiltily I feel paranoid and can't help but wonder, _Leo, how did you get those cuts? No, it's not possible. _


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

The pavement is hard and wet beneath my bare feet. _Where are my shoes? _I start to walk, trying to make sense of the commotions going on around me. "Excuse me sir, where's my family?" A gentleman wearing a paramedic jump suit whisks by ignoring me. I reach out to another, a woman this time, but she doesn't hear me. There are paramedics huddled around the passenger side of our overturned van, another group of responders working nearby while two other groups work to quickly put two stretchers into an ambulance. "Mom, dad, Shane," _Where are they? What's happening? Why can't anyone hear me?_

Running in a panic, I zig-zag through the drama to the two bodies on the stretchers. Shane's tiny body is being hoisted up and into the back of the ambulance. _This is real. This is really happening! _My soul aches with fear and my heart sinks, "Shane!" Then trying to keep my composure, I reassuringly try to comfort my sweet little brother, "everything will be okay, I'm coming." But as I finish my attempt at keeping hope alive, nothing could prepare me for what I see next. My mouth hangs open in shock, disbelief and horrified fear as I watch the second stretcher roll past me and be hoisted up into the back of the stretcher with my unconscious body lying on it.

A million thoughts run through my mind, trying to make sense of what my eyes are seeing. How am I there, but I'm here too? Completely befuddled I murmur under my breath, "am I dead?" Suddenly I'm pulled from my lonely, lost, distress, "Julia, come quick!" I turn around, almost in slow motion, shaken and confused even more. It's Shane. He's by the front side of the other ambulance and is waving me over. "Shane?" I call out, not believing what I'm seeing. Running over, I crash into him and pick him up, hugging him tighter than ever.

"Shane, how are you here? I just saw you; you were unconscious!"

"You have to come now Julia, its mom." The coldest chill imaginable runs straight down my spine and lands in my heels. _Please, no, not mom!_ My heart sinks again. Shane leads me around the front of the ambulance to an area on the shoulder of the road between our mangled van where paramedics are still working to relieve a situation and another group not far down the shoulder where a second group is now working to position another stretcher. I stop in my tracks both afraid and relieved to see dad on the ground holding moms weak body in his arms. Shane pulls my hand, distracting me from my frozen state, and I follow him to their side.

"Dad, mom, I'm here." Dad's pain filled eyes meet mine.

"Julia, I'm so sorry. That jeep, it came out of nowhere. I'm just so sorry I let this happen." _Oh dad, please, this wasn't your fault._ I'm full of understanding and sympathy for his feelings, but I can't speak, too overwhelmed with pain and emotion. Mom slowly reaches up and places her index finger on dad's lips. She faintly whispers, "Shhhh," and then with the same hand motions Shane and I to come closer.

Mom's voice is soft and calm, "Listen carefully. Building this family has given me so much joy and the most amazing life. There isn't a moment I would take back, including tonight. We are all meant to live out our own destinies. And even though we love each other so much, we are not meant to be together in this life forever. My destiny was to bring this family into the world with you Steve, and to leave an impression on you, Julia and Shane, that I need you to take forward. Things always work out for the best, and I promise this will too."

We are all huddled in a pile on the ground, hugging my beautiful mom who even in this awful moment has found a way to be positive. Crying into her chest I beg, "Mom, please don't go. I can't let you go. I need you."

"My beautiful Julia, I am so proud of you. You've become more than I could have ever dreamed and you've given your dad and I so many years of happiness. You will be okay. I need you to live, for all of us." Dad's teary eyes looked into moms and then over to mine and Shane's, "Yes, we do, we need you to live."

My heart leaps with fear and utter pain as dutiful longing rushes over me. "Shane, we have to go now." We hug my mom and dad, exchanging love and tears once more, before I take Shane's hand to guide him. Before I turn behind the other side of the ambulance I turn back and yell to dad, "you're coming right?", But dad and mom are both gone. Tears well in my eyes, I look down and see Shane's eyes swelling with tears too. I kneel down, turning him to face me, "Shane, we have to stick together, okay? I'm not going to leave you. We have each other right now. We're going to survive this." Shane wipes his eyes. He is so scared and so sad, it breaks my already broken heart. "Okay," he barely manages to agree through his choked voice.

Taking Shane's hand, I rush with him to the ambulance I saw our resting bodies be put on, just in time before they close the doors and rush us off speeding down the road towards the hospital. Shane and I sit silently at the back looking out the windows of the doors. Rain begins to fall, hitting the windows, blurring the lights of the scene in the growing distance. _How can we go on without them?_


End file.
